there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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