Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
