You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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