I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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