Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i think i just lost a toe
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
