I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
