you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
