i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
