Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
