i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
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