I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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