I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
