I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
