dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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