I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
