Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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