oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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