not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
