don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
