My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
