how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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