i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
