So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
