Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
