Heybabeimwearingurpanties
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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