You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
