Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
