I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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