I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
