you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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