Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
