my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
