You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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