Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
