I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
