i would punch a child for taco bell
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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