I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize