i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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