about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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