she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
