So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
