She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
