Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
