he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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