I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
