dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
