what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
