Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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