Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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