Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
