2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
