I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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