You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
