it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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