I think i sorta joined a cult last night
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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