I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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