Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
